Grammar Nerd Wednesday: Words that aren’t words edition

This is part of an ongoing series of posts designed to make everyone think I'm a colossal prick because of my grammatical specificity. These posts are either me lecturing the masses about how to properly use grammar/punctuation/the rules of the English language, or me figuring out for myself, textually, the aforementioned.  They will run every Wednesday.  If you run afoul of these rules, rest assured, even though I judge you for your poor grammar, I'm still a lesser being than you.

Proper nouns and technology have created a whole slew of words that aren’t really words, and different usages for them.  That’s not what this is about. Continue to name things with stupid -ly suffixes out in Silicon Valley.  This is about words people use, which aren’t actually words, but people think they are. Each word is followed by a brief explanation, which is a veiled dig at your intellect, and designed to make you feel like you're insignificant for not knowing that these words aren't actually words.  In reality, you're insignificant because you're reading my blog at all.  That's not something anyone who is significant actually does.

‘nother – A weird, shortened version of “another,” often used in the phrase “that’s a whole ‘nother ______.”  Let’s remember, you’re using folksy down-home phrasing.  Just say the full word: “That’s a whole another thing.”  Wrong.  It’s a whole OTHER thing.  In his song “Pirate Flag,” Kenny Chesney sings “I traded it in for a whole ‘nother world, a Pirate flag, and an island girl.”  This is why people don’t like you, Kenny.

Irregardless – This is kind of a double negative sandwich.  Regardless is the antonym for regard.  When one says, “That’s what I was thinking with regard to the port-a-potty.”  Someone could say, “REGARDLESS of what you were thinking, I was thinking it would be a capital idea to just let people crap in the streets!”  I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking, “But what if you want a word that means the opposite of regardless?  That’s where irregardless comes in handy, you dick!”  And I get to smile like a smug prick and say, “regard is the opposite of regardless.  That’s why irregardless is a double negative.  The –less suffix makes it the antonym, and the ir also makes it an antonym.  It’s more work, and it’s confusing.  And it doesn’t make you smarter.  Whenever I hear someone use ‘irregardless,’ I always like to say “disirregardless.”  But that’s because I’m a douche.

Impactful – I know.  Here’s this haughty dipshit to tell you all about impact again.  There’s no real reason other than most dictionaries suggest that “effective” or “has an impact” are more proper.

Alot – I know!  It really isn’t.  In fact, I had to fight with Microsoft Word to keep it wrong.  There’s no big secret here.  Just toss a space in between the “A” and “L.” It’s two words, that’s it.  You’re not alone.  Tons of people screw this up.  A lot.  The other thing is, just kind of semi-off topic; think about what we commonly use “a lot” for.  We use it to mean “many.”  There are many ways to leave your lover.  There are a lot of ways to leave your lover.  But think about what you are ACTUALLY saying.  Instead of using a word that connotes plurality, you’re using a phrase that is singular in its construct and its meaning.  “A lot” is singular, and it means a space, be it filled or empty.  Or the lot you cast when you’re in the Bible, because who the hell casts lots anymore?  But we use this singular phrase meaning a singular space to mean “many.”  Don’t get me wrong, it’s correct; it’s just very bizarre.

Alright  - this one I didn’t have to fight with Word.  It’s creeping in to modern usage.  It just suggests, via the green line, that I change it to the correct usage: all right.  This is another weird phrase we use.  “All right” actually means that everything is correct (or everything is conservative, or impossible for lefties.) If someone asks you how you are, you could say “all right.”  But, the connotation of saying “all right” is usually that you’re just okay.  If someone says, “I’m all right” I would assume they are just kind of blah.  As a society, we have a hard time saying what we mean.  We’re kind of dumb that way.

Quicker/funnily/funner etc. – It’s “more quickly,” “funny,” “more fun.”  These are just words that have become acceptable because our stupid lizard brains can’t function properly when we are talking and want to use some derivation of the root word.

Brung – Today I bring, yesterday I brought.  Brung isn’t a thing!  It’s probably an offshoot of the sting/stung corollary.

Snuck – this is another of the past tense false conjugation.  It’s sneaked.  I sneaked in.

Hung – Dispense with the dick jokes.  Hung works for the well endowed, and it also works for describing a jury that can’t come to a consensus.  But when someone is dangling with a rope necktie in the old west, they have been hanged.

Towards/Anyways/Afterwards – neither are plural.  Toward, anyway, and afterward.

Incentivize – While Microsoft Word won’t correct it, it also doesn’t correct iPhone.  This is a reverse engineered word, meaning to give someone an incentive, or to provide an incentive to others.

Others I’ve missed or overlooked?  Put them in the comments section!