Grammar Nerd Wednesday: Why is Poor Grammar a Subject of Ridicule?

This is part of an ongoing series of posts designed to make everyone think I'm a colossal prick because of my grammatical specificity. These posts are either me lecturing the masses about how to properly use grammar/punctuation/the rules of the English language, or me figuring out for myself, textually, the aforementioned.  They will run every Wednesday.  If you run afoul of these rules, rest assured, even though I judge you for your poor grammar, I'm still a lesser being than you.

            When you think about it, poor grammar is a failure of sorts.  When someone is bad at mathematics, no one stands around laughing at them for not being able to understand factorials, or thinking “Jesus, that guy is dumb!” But, when my Boss’s boss sends around emails with no concept of the correct usage of your/you’re or there/their/they’re, I judge.  It’s not fair, but I judge.  Hell, these posts are all about judging those who exercise poor grammatical usage.  Why is it so much more open to ridicule/a bellwether of intelligence in a person?

Grammar Nerd Wednesday: Ten Brain Cells or Less

This is part of an ongoing series of posts designed to make everyone think I'm a colossal prick because of my grammatical specificity. These posts are either me lecturing the masses about how to properly use grammar/punctuation/the rules of the English language, or me figuring out for myself, textually, the aforementioned.  They will run every Wednesday.  If you run afoul of these rules, rest assured, even though I judge you for your poor grammar, I'm still a lesser being than you.

I am fascinated by grocery stores, including all of the studies to market products to us.  Shelf height is based on average eye level of men and women, with the most valuable shelf space being that which is at eye level.  It works, too. How many times have you made a random purchase where you had to bend your waist at more than a 45 degree angle, or strain to reach the top shelf? There are the Malt-O-Meal bagged cereals which briefly made an ad campaign out of walking like a duck to buy their product from off of the bottom shelf, but clearly that hasn’t exactly gone gangbusters for them.  I am always acutely aware of which brand of Soda is on special each week, so I can prepare to buy either four twelve packs of Pepsi or Dr Pepper for ten dollars (they alternate between Pepsi and Coke/Dr. Pepper product sales most weeks.)

Grammar Nerd Wednesday: Words that aren’t words edition

This is part of an ongoing series of posts designed to make everyone think I'm a colossal prick because of my grammatical specificity. These posts are either me lecturing the masses about how to properly use grammar/punctuation/the rules of the English language, or me figuring out for myself, textually, the aforementioned.  They will run every Wednesday.  If you run afoul of these rules, rest assured, even though I judge you for your poor grammar, I'm still a lesser being than you.

Proper nouns and technology have created a whole slew of words that aren’t really words, and different usages for them.  That’s not what this is about. Continue to name things with stupid -ly suffixes out in Silicon Valley.  This is about words people use, which aren’t actually words, but people think they are. Each word is followed by a brief explanation, which is a veiled dig at your intellect, and designed to make you feel like you're insignificant for not knowing that these words aren't actually words.  In reality, you're insignificant because you're reading my blog at all.  That's not something anyone who is significant actually does.

Grammar Nerd Wednesday: There is no Irony in "Ironic" by Alanis Morrissette.

This is part of an ongoing series of posts designed to make everyone think I'm a colossal prick because of my grammatical specificity. These posts are either me lecturing the masses about how to properly use grammar/punctuation/the rules of the English language, or me figuring out for myself, textually, the aforementioned.  They will run every Wednesday.  If you run afoul of these rules, rest assured, even though I judge you for your poor grammar, I'm still a lesser being than you.

The lyrics are in large, italic font. My dickheaded comments follow each line.  Before we begin, let's just define, without explaining, "Ironic."  That will come later:

i·ron·ic  

/īˈränik/

Adjective Using or characterized by irony. Happening in the opposite way to what is expected, thus typically causing wry amusement.

Grammar Nerd Wednesday: That sound effect affects my sound.

This is part of an ongoing series of posts designed to make everyone think I'm a colossal prick because of my grammatical specificity. These posts are either me lecturing the masses about how to properly use grammar/punctuation/the rules of the English language, or me figuring out for myself, textually, the aforementioned.  They will run every Wednesday.  If you run afoul of these rules, rest assured, even though I judge you for your poor grammar, I'm still a lesser being than you.

Affect and effect – why do we do this to ourselves, English speaking people?  I’m serious.  Why do we make words that look similar and sound the same?  Why don’t we just call one “affect” and the other one “turdsmack?”  It’s like read – meaning “I like to read!” and read, meaning “I used to like to read until someone dripped searing hot transmission fluid in my eyes!”  One should be “read” and the other should be “lookyknow.”

Grammar Nerd Wednesday: Impacted: not what you think it means.

This is part of an ongoing series of posts designed to make everyone think I'm a colossal prick because of my grammatical specificity. These posts are either me lecturing the masses about how to properly use grammar/punctuation/the rules of the English language, or me figuring out for myself, textually, the aforementioned.  They will run every Wednesday.  If you run afoul of these rules, rest assured, even though I judge you for your poor grammar, I'm still a lesser being than you.

You’re smart, right?  You’ve got a good head on your shoulders.  When you speak, it doesn’t sound like a mouth-breathing troglodyte happened upon some dictionary featuring solely monosyllabic words and utterances.  In fact, you even try to use words that mean things other words mean, but that people don’t always use, like apoplectic for angry, or elated in place of happy.  Lately, at your job, when you’re sitting in mind-numbing meetings, talking about TPS reports and synergy, you’ve been hearing your coworkers and supervisors talk about the effect certain actions have on others, they’ve been saying “impact.”  Like, when your company wants to build a slurry pond upstream from a community’s reservoir using graham crackers and squeezy cheese as building materials, they need to investigate the impact it has on the environment.

Grammar Nerd Wednesdays: For the love of God, apostrophe rules are not that hard!

This is the first in an ongoing series of posts designed to make everyone think I'm a colossal prick because of my grammatical specificity. These posts are either me lecturing the masses about how to properly use grammar/punctuation/the rules of the English language, or me figuring out for myself, textually, the aforementioned.  They will run every Wednesday.  If you run afoul of these rules, rest assured, even though I judge you for your poor grammar, I'm still a lesser being than you.

I received a blast email from a party promoter who owns a few high-end bars in the West Village and Kips Bay areas of Manhattan promoting a Fourth of July weekend party at a club in the über-chic Hamptons, which, for those who don’t know, is the tip of Long Island, and usually connotes the South Fork of the two pronged end to New York State’s easternmost point.  The heading on the email is:

“4TH OF JULY WEEKEND IN THE HAMPTON’S”

While there are thirteen (THIRTEEN!) rules for apostrophes, just focus on the ones that you will probably run across (and afoul of!) in your day-to-day keyboard mashing, like this successful entrepreneur, party planner, and all-around bro-sef extraordinaire who somehow gathered my email and lumped it in to his party promotion list.

Apostrophes denote possession of an object by a proper noun or name.  A really easy way to remember to use this is, if the object being possessed is mentioned, you should probably use it. Example: That is Bill’s stack of fetish porn magazines.

-As a caveat, apostrophes are not to be used with possessive pronouns.  They already connote possession.  That is why they are called possessive, dipshit.  Example: You know Bill? That is his stack of fetish porn magazines. (His being the possessive pronoun)

-For plural possession, make a noun plural first, and then make it possessive.  If all the states have deficits instead of just one, State becomes States, and then you toss an apostrophe on to the end.  “The states’ budget deficits are a problem for the nation.”  Plural possessive is never “States’s.”

Apostrophes denote contractions.  Contractions take out a word and make you sound like a local yokel.  It’s good for fitting in if you’re new in town and trying to make friends or assimilate for the purposes of gaining the trust of the townspeople and then it’s BAM – the ol’ fork-in-the-eye. Example: “Don’t say that’s something I can’t do.”  It’s the same as “Do not say that is something I cannot do.”  But if you say the second sentence, everyone will think you’re Captain Jean-Luc Picard, and burn you as a heretic, because this town likes Deep Space Nine, and you MUST be a terrorist.

-As another caveat, sometimes words end with the letters “n-t” and don’t have an apostrophe.  “Want” is one of those words.  So is “wont.”  If you see “wont” and it doesn’t look like it should mean “will not,” it probably means “apt” or “likely.” It’s not wrong.  Don’t flame the author on the message boards.

Apostrophes never, ever, EVER denote plurals.  Ever.  And I mean fucking ever.  Just add an “s” to the end of it. Or an –es, like boxes and foxes.  Obviously, there are some crazy ones out there.  Mouse becomes mice. Buffalo stays buffalo.  There’s even this weird sentence that is grammatically correct: “Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo.” Then there’s the plural for ox: oxen.  You’ll never need to toss an apostrophe in when all you want to say is “there are more of them than just one.  If you have seven cats, you say “I have seven cats.”  Not “I have seven cat’s.”

Side Note – This includes acronyms! CEO, short for Chief Executive Officer.  If you want to talk about a meeting of multiple chief executive officers, you say CEOs.  If you want to connote possession for ONE CEO, it’s the CEO’s disdain for the working poor.  If it’s possession for multiple CEOs, then it’s the CEOs’ general distaste for speaking with hourly employees.

It.  It screws everything up.  It has rules all its own. For starters, when using a pronoun like “it,” there is no gender, and there is no plural.  “It” is singular.  Always. 

-To show possession with “it,” you do NOT use an apostrophe.  “I just took my P.T. Cruiser in for its 5,000 mile oil change.”  But, why wouldn’t the apostrophe-possession rules carry over?  Here’s why…

-To show a contraction with “it,” you MUST use an apostrophe. “And I think it’s going to be a long, long time ‘til touchdown brings me ‘round again to find I’m not the man they think I am at all.  Oh, no.”  This is why Its means possessive It – it can’t be the same as It’s, which means It is.

-Its’ is not a word.  Not at all.  The Apostrophe following an ‘s’ means the subject is plural, like “Those magazines’ covers are all sticky.”  Multiple magazines, all possessing covers.  It is always singular, so “Its’” would mean It is plural, which it is not.

There are plenty of other rules – just look over that link at the beginning, but in general, you can avoid 97% of your apostrophe mistakes by asking yourself these few questions:

Am I trying to say this noun (person/place/thing/idea) possesses some quality or object?  If so, I should use an apostrophe and an ‘s!’

-Is this noun plural?  Make it plural, then add an apostrophe! (“The foxes’ tails are long.”)

-Is this word I’m using actually two words in one (and missing a few letters,) like how an El Camino is a car and a truck (and missing common sense?) I should use an apostrophe.

-Am I trying to say that this noun is plural? Then I should absolutely not use an apostrophe.  Ever.  Especially in an email promoting a party in the Hamptons, which is plural, because there is a Southampton, a Westhampton, a Bridgehampton and an East Hampton.  That’s four Hamptons!  Plural.  The Hamptons.

-Am I using the word “It” and I need to either make it possessive or plural?  Because if that’s the case, I should just get drunk.

Scheduled Posts

As part of an effort to get me to actually post more on this blog, since at least 1100 times, people have been intrigued enough to click over to it, I'm going to start doing regular posts, and trying my best to create some type of schedule, which could change or be scrapped in an instant if I find that others really don't like it.

Mondays: Entertainment/Sports/TV/Movies or something
Wednesdays: Dorky rants about the English Language
Thursdays: Politics/News/World Events

As always, please post in the comments section.  Call me a dickhead, tell me I'm as ugly as my opinions, anything.  Hurl your empty liquor bottles at me as a way to exorcise your personal demons, electronic-style.