In the Rough: 2 Surprisingly Prescient Tiger jokes

I’ve been sort of forming this in my mind for a few weeks now, and I know this is what we in the biz call “late to the game.”  By “we in the biz” I of course mean not me in the journalism business.  Because this is just some weird blog with a name that’s not snarky enough to be a witty sports blog, and it’s not unironic enough to be an overindulgent personal e-journal.  Either way, I understand that this is coming out extremely late.

When the whole Tiger Woods cheating thing hit in early December, the controversy swirled, was confirmed, El Tigre’s life went into a tailspin, he listened to a sportswriter with an oral fixation, and was chastised for believing in things that America doesn’t understand on Fox News, and then has largely gone missing for some time (plastic surgery rumors notwithstanding), I remembered two jokes told about him.  Well, one is a joke.  The other is a line in a skit.  Both are at least 7 years old at this point.  Both are seemingly prescient.

The first is a joke by Wanda Sykes.  Here is the first part, as transcribed by Comedy Central (I’m pretty sure it was from her Comedy Central stand up special):

“I remember when Tiger Woods was Black.  I used to read about him - ‘Black Guy from Stanford is the next big thing in golf.  As soon as he turned pro and he won his first tournament, I read, ‘Bi-racial golfer wins first tournament.’ Oh, OK — 50/50: he’s 50% black, 50% Asian. Alright, cool. Then after he won the masters, I’m flipping through Sports Illustrated, and I read, ‘Tiger Woods is a quarter black,’ and I’m like, ‘Damn, he’s down to 25% now, man. What the hell is going on? They’re treating him like he’s milk… …for every win, he loses some blackness.  Only thing keeping him black is every now and then his father shows up: ‘hey, that’s my boy, alright?’ Don’t try to steal him, now!  They’re taking him away.  I tell you, one more major title, next day we’ll read ‘Tiger Woods has just been named the Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan’.  But you know as soon as he gets in trouble what we will read: ‘BLACK GOLFER ARRESTED’.  We caught Black Panther Woods.  Found him guilty.  Only places he’ll be playing is on the public courses with OJ.” Source:http://comedians.jokes.com/wanda-sykes/videos/wanda-sykes—-turned-to-milk

I seem to remember this to be partially true.  Obviously, the joke is intended to be ridiculous, but does she have a point?  Did Tiger Woods go from being a black golfer to a cablinasian to a white guy?  He famously refused to comment on a great deal of issues, ranging from Casey Martin’s lawsuit against the PGA tour to use a golf cart because of a birth defect that caused his leg to form improperly, making it painful for him to walk.  It is against the rules on the PGA tour to use a golf cart, so Martin sued under the Americans with Disabilities Act and won.  What makes it interesting is not just that Woods was a rising star at the time of the lawsuit (1998), having already won the Masters Tournament in 1997.

As an aside, the Masters is a tournament with no specific trophy to be won.  The winners earn a gold medal, but unlike the other Majors, there is no specific trophy (the British Open awards the Claret Jug, The US Open awards the US Open Trophy, and the PGA Championship awards the Wanamaker Trophy).  The trophy of the Masters Tournament is a Green Jacket, which is worn only by members, and only on course grounds.  The special exception made to Masters Champions is that they get to remove the Green Jacket from Augusta and wear it for the year following their victory.  The winners, by extension, are made honorary members of the club, which is highly exclusive.  The club’s first Black member came in 1990, and there are still no women members (this caused a bit of flack in 2002 when Martha Burk of the National Council of Women’s Organizations accused the club of sexism.)  It should be noted that accusing a club with no women members of sexism isn’t exactly a bold statement, but the press made it out to be one.  I suppose the He-Man Women-Haters were sexist as well, at least until Darla joined.

From that aside, it is understandable that Tiger Woods, someone who, if you pointed him out to anyone with a basic understanding of race but no clue who Tiger Woods is, would say “that’s a black man”, could be accused of becoming more white.  He, after all, did not make any public statements about the irony of an outwardly black man becoming an honorary member of a club, as well as the de facto ambassador fo the club a mere seven years after the club admitted someone who looked similar to him for the first time.  He didn’t condemn anyone.  He smiled, played golf, and continued on his merry way.

It should also be noted that, when Martha Burk complained about the white, male nature of Augusta National, Tiger was pressed for comment.  He still said nothing.  You can’t really call it shying away from controversy, because to do that,  you have to get up close and personal with the controversy, and then refuse to comment.  Tiger Woods seemed to refuse to comment because he had prior to being asked, refused to learn about the controversies.  Blissful ignorance.  He once called himself boring:

“I think Elin and I have avoided a lot of media attention because we’re kind of boring. When we do go out, we like to go to the movies. When we go for dinner, it’s usually at the same few restaurants. Mostly, people are very nice and just want to say hi. There are a lot of evenings we’ll just rent a movie and stay at home. Sometimes, friends will come over, and we’ll play video games.”

The best way to avoid controversy?  Don’t be controversial.  Be predictable.  Go see a movie.  Go to the same seven restaurants.  Have friends over.  (If you’re waiting for it, there is no impending joke.)

So what happened?  Tiger WAS the controversy.  A life he kept well hidden is all of a sudden the news.  He is controversial.  He is hated.  As Bill Simmons said, he believes that the Tiger Woods tide has shifted because he is enemy number 1 of women, as per his wife:

“The Sports Gal is excited to watch golf majors now. Why? So she can root against Tiger. She hates him now. (Note: I’m not saying it’s rational, just passing it along.) What if there are more women out there like her? Can you think of another incident that gave female non-sports fans a reason to start watching a sport? I feel like my wife would root against Tiger during the Ryder Cup at this point. Stay tuned.” Source: http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmonsnflpicks/091211

Given that Tiger couldn’t shy away from a controversy, or ignore it altogether, he just did what he does best, aside from playing golf - he stopped talking, and altogether disappeared.

Which leads me to the next old joke, from Season 2, Episode 1 of Chappelle’s Show, in the skit called “Racial Draft” wherein all of the races get together to draft multi-ethnic celebrities to one race.  The idea being, despite America being a great mixing bowl of ethnicities, Chappelle believes America wants to know what to refer to someone like Tiger, who invented a word to describe his heritage (cablinasian):

“It seems as though Tiger Woods is happy to be black, and that’s a good thing, because I just received word that he lost all his endorsements.  Ooh, that’s a tough one.  All of them.  AmEx, Tag Heuer, Wheaties, the whole she-bang-a-bang.  Tough break, n——, there’s always FUBU.” Source: http://www.videosift.com/video/Chappelles-Show-The-Racial-Draft

So, when all of this began, and Tiger buttoned up, the sponsors started dropping like flies.  Accenture believed that Woods was “no longer the right representative” (Worth 20 Million), Gillette (worth 15 million), perhaps afraid of the internet mashup videos that could be pieced together with it’s “The Best a Man Can Get” tagline, suspended all Woods ads (but have not canceled the sponsorship deal), Gatorade (1 Million) canceled it’s Tiger branded sports drink (they claim it was a decision coming months in advance), Tag Heuer (worth 5 Million) pulled all Tiger Ads in Australia, but has not canceled it’s deal with him, and GM made a public announcement that they are no longer giving Tiger free cars (Tiger had been a Buick spokesperson until 2008, but the deal, which apparently expired at the end of 2009, allowed him free GM vehicles.  Apparently nothing out of the ordinary happened with the deal - it wasn’t ended early.  GM just wanted everyone to know there’d be no more free rides for one of the world’s richest athletes.  That’ll show him.)  EA Sports (8 Million) plans to go ahead with it’s Tiger Woods PGA Tour Online game for PCs and Macs.  And, of course the lynchpin deal for Tiger, the brand that gave him his own brand extension and cool “TW” logo - Nike (30 Million), is standing by their man. Source: http://www.nowpublic.com/sports/who-will-dump-tiger-woods-list-endorsements-lost-and-kept-2535740.html

So what does this mean?  It means that Tiger, at the moment, is poison.  The wound is still fresh.  We are only 6 weeks removed from Tiger’s horndoggery (thanks, Deadspin!), and everyone is backing away slowly.  But why are they backing away?  Is it because Tiger Woods isn’t white enough anymore?  Or is it because Tiger Woods banged upwards of ten women who weren’t his wife?

I don’t believe Tiger is any less black or more white.  I do think that people were more comfortable with Tiger Woods than they were with Mike Tyson.  Tiger Woods plays a largely white game, and has done it by his terms.  He hasn’t forced any issues on anyone, nor has he spoken out on any major issues.  He doesn’t talk about race, despite the fact that it’s the elephant in the room whenever he’s in that room.  This is the exchange he had with a reporter about President Obama when Obama was still a candidate:

Q. Just to totally change tack, could I ask you a Barack Obama question?
TIGER WOODS: Oh, God, here we go.

Q. Just your thoughts on the way he has inspired a generation of Americans who clearly weren’t interested in politics before.
TIGER WOODS: Well, I’ve seen him speak. He’s extremely articulate, very thoughtful. I’m just impressed at how well, basically all politicians really do, how well they think on their feet. Especially those debates, it’s pretty phenomenal to see them get their point across. But I just think that he’s really inspired a bunch of people in our country, and you know, we’ll see what happens down the road.  Source: http://blogs.golf.com/presstent/2008/11/woods-praises-o.html#ixzz0cVtWCJg8

The “Oh, God, here we go.” Is typical Tiger.  That quote, if it accurately reflected his thought process, should probably read: “I don’t want to talk about a biracial President who is the first non white man to win something in this country, despite the fact that I am just that.  Most black people don’t watch golf.  It’s a white sport.  Just let me be.  I don’t have to talk about this if I don’t want to.  Just throw me a softball.”  The upshot of his answer to the softball?  Obama speaks well.  I’m impressed about ALL politicians ability to speak well and think while talking.  Debates are great.  They make America great and inspire young Americans.  But no one can predict the future!”  Non-committal indeed.  Perhaps he took a page from his fellow Nike pitchman:

Michael Jordan was once asked to support an opponent to Jesse Helms, a staunch conservative in his home state of North Carolina (he was born in Brooklyn, NY, but grew up in Wilmington, NC).  His response: “No, Republicans buy sneakers, too.”

Woods famously was the center of a race controversy immediately upon winning the Masters (the first black man to do so).  As is with all the other rituals at tradition-heavy Augusta, the Champions dinner (held each year at Augusta National on the Tuesday before the tournament starts, and open only to previous Masters winners, and the current Club Chairman) features a unique practice that dates back to 1952 - the previous year’s winner chooses the menu for the evening.  So, when PGA veteran Frank “Fuzzy” Zoeller (PGA Veteran should be a dead giveaway for white guy) was asked about young Eldrick Woods’ play while leading the 1997 Masters (Zoeller finished tied for 34th), he said the following:

“He’s doing quite well, pretty impressive. That little boy is driving well and he’s putting well. He’s doing everything it takes to win. So, you know what you guys do when he gets in here? You pat him on the back and say congratulations and enjoy it and tell him not to serve fried chicken next year. Got it.  Or collard greens, or whatever the hell they serve.” Source:http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1355/is_n3_v92/ai_19491808/

After word got out about the comments (from my memory, only the fried chicken and collard greens thing was brought up on SportsCenter, though I could be wrong; the “little boy” comment seems extremely demeaning to anyone, and “boy” carries a particular connotation when used by white people about black men), Fuzzy apologized, and talked about how it was only intended to be a joke.  Initially, K-Mart and Dunlop dropped him as a spokesperson.  Tiger accepted Zoeller’s apologies, though he said that he didn’t perceive the comments as funny, nor did he think they were actually a joke.

Tiger made a lot of noncommital comments, very bland, about the incident:

“Over time I think we will all see that it’s an incident that was good for golf.  It will take some time to understand it.”

“I’ve had a lot worse than this.  Hopefully, I won’t have a situation like this again, but it’s highly unlikely.” Source (both quotes): http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1355/is_n3_v92/ai_19491808/

The last quote having a bit more bite, Woods is merely commenting on the state of race relations in general, not just in golf, and is saying something that, on the surface seems deep, but is actually fairly bland when you think about it: “Someone calling a black man ‘boy’ and joking that he eats fried chicken and collard greens isn’t the worst thing that’s ever happened to the black race.”

So, what does that mean?  That means Tiger has always been black.  He knows he is black.  He hasn’t tried to necessarily “act white” or “less black”.  Tiger is who he has always been.  I think, by and large, those sponsors were attracted to Tiger Woods not for his perceived whiteness, but because he was a fairly bland person, a popular sports figure, and a black golfer, equally.  The bland person (read: lacking in controversy) part is over, the popular sports figure is in question (if Simmons is right, women HATE this guy now), and the black golfer thing is still true.  He’s not any more black.  We don’t perceive him to be any more black.  He’s just more controversial.  Companies don’t like controversy.  It’s like the Don Imus thing - he made dumb comments about black women as a white man.  CBS Radio and MSNBC didn’t care about black or white.  The color they cared about was green.  Same with Tag Heuer, Gatorade, and Accenture.  The most important color when it comes to Tiger Woods is green - green grass on the golf course, and green money in the pockets of himself and the companies he represents.

If you think Tiger is any blacker than he was 7 weeks ago, then you haven’t been looking at his actions following controversy.  What I outlined above regarding Tiger Woods and controversy is for him to distance himself as much as possible from it.  He didn’t comment on a black man becoming President (which makes him the ONLY American who isn’t in a coma who refrained), he didn’t comment on his former teammate at Stanford suing the PGA tour over the right to use a cart, and he didn’t comment about a woman petitioning for Augusta National to admit a woman member (which, it still hasn’t done).  Tiger’s M.O. when it comes to controversy is to have no comment; he doesn’t have those opinions.  When Tiger is a part of the controversy, like in the case of Fuzzy Zoeller’s comments that could range from a bad joke to a racist comment, depending upon your interpretation, Tiger defused the situation calmly, holding a behind closed doors meeting, commenting in bland terms, and playing his cards close to the vest.

This is what Tiger has done in light of this current scandal.  He hasn’t changed at all.  The same Tiger that everyone loved 5 years ago was still sleeping with women who weren’t his wife.  His personal life is now public.  As Tiger admitted, that’s not what he likes.  He likes to be boring.  The only difference is how we perceive him.  His public persona is still the same.  So no, Tiger Woods didn’t get returned to the black race by white people.  And his endorsements didn’t drop him for being too black.  Tiger Woods is still Tiger Woods, still a cablinasian, still the same guy.  This scandal is his own fault, as he himself said, and his loss of sponsorship is his own doing, not for being, acting, or looking any blacker, because the companies wouldn’t care, anyway.