Syrian Intervention for Fun and or profit.

There is an old PSA about the right time to talk to your children about relationship abuse.  It’s a steady shot of a man and his son in a diner, sitting uncomfortably as a couple have a fairly one-sided argument in which the man screams at her, degrades her with name calling and intimidation, and then ultimately decrees “We’re leaving;” pulling her out of the diner by the arm.  The father does nothing to intervene or assist the woman, who will likely get a few black eyes when she goes home with her date.  The ad then poses the question: “When should you intervene in an abusive relationship?” or some pointed question similar to that one.  It zooms in closer on the son, who looks like he just realized his father isn’t Superman, and says, “Right now.”  The idea is simple: end the abusive cycle by immunizing your own children against it.  I can’t seem to find the PSA anywhere online, probably because it’s a terrible PSA, and all PSAs should be banished to the festering wasteland of awful and obvious messages cobbled together by hack directors who couldn’t get a job directing a Ronco Food Dehydrator infomercial.

Because No One Asked: Ranking the 80s teen movies I’ve seen, with little to no explanation whatsoever.

As a child of the mid-80s, I grew up watching the TBS edit of many 1980s movies, and wondering why the pretty white people from upper middle class families in those movies had so many problems not related to their family’s socio-economic status.  Looking back, many of the plots are a weird sort of logic house of cards, in that we need to believe that the cliques existed in high school, and that becoming popular was the most important part of life, and would fix everything once the whole school recognized their value.  As is the case with all my lists, I’ll group them into an overarching and overly simplified collection of movies and provide almost no rationale.  It’s like I’m a surly, passive aggressive person with highly anal-retentive needs to provide order and structure to speciously connected things. Remember, these are only the movies I’ve seen.  You won’t find Risky Business or Fame on here. Let’s go!

Setting the Example in the Racial Discussion

In an earlier post, I stated that referring to a desire to have a smaller government and fewer entitlement programs as a libertarian ideology, not a racist ideology.  I also stated that referring to someone who doesn’t think the government should be helping anyone as “racist” is the equivalent of coughing and saying “douchebag” during a debate.  We’ve gotten to a place in our society where we now consider all conservatives to be racist because they want smaller government, which is not the way to have a conversation about race in the United States.  The problem with labeling people who are ignorant as “racists” is that everything then becomes a racist act, and not all insensitive, ignorant, or stupid act or statement is racist. I hesitate to write this, because insensitivity and ignorance are extremely problematic in our culture, and allow us to be apathetic towards suffering, social injustice, and institutionalized oppression of minority classes in the U.S.  I am not advocating for racists.  Fuck those guys (and girls.)  I am advocating for setting the proper example, and avoiding extremism/line-in-the-sand drawing.  While I will always believe that none of us are truly free until all of us are free, it isn’t helping anything to instantly label well-meaning but misinformed people, or people who have a different opinion as to the role of government as “racist.”

How Breaking Bad is like the Little League World Series

I’m not insane, and this isn’t the dumbest comparison you’ll ever hear, but it’s close.  I realize comparing a show about a man’s slow descent from Edward James Olmos in “Stand and Deliver” to Denzel Washington in “Training Day” with the August rite of passage for 10-12 year olds in the baseball playing world is patently ridiculous on its face.  I want to assure you that this is not about Danny Almonte and the oldest twelve year old you’ve ever met.  No, this is about the general structure of the Little League World Series, and its similarities to Walter White’s rise to power.  A note about spoilers: They are prevalent after the jump.

Grammar Nerd Wednesday: Why is Poor Grammar a Subject of Ridicule?

This is part of an ongoing series of posts designed to make everyone think I'm a colossal prick because of my grammatical specificity. These posts are either me lecturing the masses about how to properly use grammar/punctuation/the rules of the English language, or me figuring out for myself, textually, the aforementioned.  They will run every Wednesday.  If you run afoul of these rules, rest assured, even though I judge you for your poor grammar, I'm still a lesser being than you.

            When you think about it, poor grammar is a failure of sorts.  When someone is bad at mathematics, no one stands around laughing at them for not being able to understand factorials, or thinking “Jesus, that guy is dumb!” But, when my Boss’s boss sends around emails with no concept of the correct usage of your/you’re or there/their/they’re, I judge.  It’s not fair, but I judge.  Hell, these posts are all about judging those who exercise poor grammatical usage.  Why is it so much more open to ridicule/a bellwether of intelligence in a person?

Me, turned all the way up to 11

As someone who routinely has to interact with 18-22 year olds as a part of my job, I am keenly aware that there is an opinion that the current crop of semi-employable assholes are perceived as being so tuned out to the point of rudeness.  I disagree.  I believe the current generation of college students and young professionals are entirely tuned in, but they are tuned in to themselves, almost exclusively.  They have the capability to pay attention to others, but they would rather be focused on their own personal experiences.

Grammar Nerd Wednesday: Ten Brain Cells or Less

This is part of an ongoing series of posts designed to make everyone think I'm a colossal prick because of my grammatical specificity. These posts are either me lecturing the masses about how to properly use grammar/punctuation/the rules of the English language, or me figuring out for myself, textually, the aforementioned.  They will run every Wednesday.  If you run afoul of these rules, rest assured, even though I judge you for your poor grammar, I'm still a lesser being than you.

I am fascinated by grocery stores, including all of the studies to market products to us.  Shelf height is based on average eye level of men and women, with the most valuable shelf space being that which is at eye level.  It works, too. How many times have you made a random purchase where you had to bend your waist at more than a 45 degree angle, or strain to reach the top shelf? There are the Malt-O-Meal bagged cereals which briefly made an ad campaign out of walking like a duck to buy their product from off of the bottom shelf, but clearly that hasn’t exactly gone gangbusters for them.  I am always acutely aware of which brand of Soda is on special each week, so I can prepare to buy either four twelve packs of Pepsi or Dr Pepper for ten dollars (they alternate between Pepsi and Coke/Dr. Pepper product sales most weeks.)

My Dad, the armchair pundit: The 2014 Midterm Elections

Every so often, my dad, lifelong Republican with an odd mix of entitlement protection, gun rights, and personal responsibility beliefs, will make bold political predictions based on nothing other than his own experiences and opinions, which are rooted in no political science.  Often times, these prophecies are apropos of nothing.  He’s the anti-Nate Silver. I’ll do my best to faithfully recreate his claims here.  This may become an ongoing series.

Grammar Nerd Wednesday: Words that aren’t words edition

This is part of an ongoing series of posts designed to make everyone think I'm a colossal prick because of my grammatical specificity. These posts are either me lecturing the masses about how to properly use grammar/punctuation/the rules of the English language, or me figuring out for myself, textually, the aforementioned.  They will run every Wednesday.  If you run afoul of these rules, rest assured, even though I judge you for your poor grammar, I'm still a lesser being than you.

Proper nouns and technology have created a whole slew of words that aren’t really words, and different usages for them.  That’s not what this is about. Continue to name things with stupid -ly suffixes out in Silicon Valley.  This is about words people use, which aren’t actually words, but people think they are. Each word is followed by a brief explanation, which is a veiled dig at your intellect, and designed to make you feel like you're insignificant for not knowing that these words aren't actually words.  In reality, you're insignificant because you're reading my blog at all.  That's not something anyone who is significant actually does.

"On Civil Disobedience" Redux: Manning and Snowden

Bradley Manning and Edward Snowden are two whistleblowers, accused by the United States government of conspiring to release classified information to the world that exposed the actions of the Armed Forces, and the extent of the US Government’s data collection policies.  The reaction to both has been a mixture of labeling them heroes, and labeling them traitors.  The truth is, Snowden had the more damning information, but Manning is the more honorable of the two.

Grammar Nerd Wednesday: There is no Irony in "Ironic" by Alanis Morrissette.

This is part of an ongoing series of posts designed to make everyone think I'm a colossal prick because of my grammatical specificity. These posts are either me lecturing the masses about how to properly use grammar/punctuation/the rules of the English language, or me figuring out for myself, textually, the aforementioned.  They will run every Wednesday.  If you run afoul of these rules, rest assured, even though I judge you for your poor grammar, I'm still a lesser being than you.

The lyrics are in large, italic font. My dickheaded comments follow each line.  Before we begin, let's just define, without explaining, "Ironic."  That will come later:

i·ron·ic  

/īˈränik/

Adjective Using or characterized by irony. Happening in the opposite way to what is expected, thus typically causing wry amusement.

"We Need A Dialogue About Race" - Meta interactions do no good.

Don’t get me wrong; the United States populace needs to have an honest discussion with itself about race, but the royal “we” cannot have that discussion until we understand how to confront these things in an open and honest way.  What we are getting now is neither honest, nor a discussion.  In fact, we aren’t really even getting dishonest dialogue about race.  We are getting chatter about having a discussion or dialogue about race, which is way worse than just saying, “Ah, fuck it.  Our institutions are still mired in the racial inequality of the past, and until we all fulfill George Carlin’s prophecy of forming a beautiful, non-racial, caramel colored population, we aren’t going to move past thinking white culture is superior, black culture is inferior, and stay out terrorists and Spanish speaking people.”  Why is it worse?  Because it’s hope out of Pandora’s box when it comes to those who really TRULY just want to live equally and focus our energy on solving other problems like war and poverty.  The problem is, we are looking to the wrong people to start the dialogue, we aren’t even talking about race, and the terminology we are using is non-starter language designed by people who want to not talk about anything.

Grammar Nerd Wednesday: That sound effect affects my sound.

This is part of an ongoing series of posts designed to make everyone think I'm a colossal prick because of my grammatical specificity. These posts are either me lecturing the masses about how to properly use grammar/punctuation/the rules of the English language, or me figuring out for myself, textually, the aforementioned.  They will run every Wednesday.  If you run afoul of these rules, rest assured, even though I judge you for your poor grammar, I'm still a lesser being than you.

Affect and effect – why do we do this to ourselves, English speaking people?  I’m serious.  Why do we make words that look similar and sound the same?  Why don’t we just call one “affect” and the other one “turdsmack?”  It’s like read – meaning “I like to read!” and read, meaning “I used to like to read until someone dripped searing hot transmission fluid in my eyes!”  One should be “read” and the other should be “lookyknow.”

The George Zimmerman Verdict: How Not to React.

There are plenty of facts about the Zimmerman Trial and Verdict that are disturbing.  Here’s a chain of events that is not in dispute by either the prosecution or the defense: George Zimmerman spotted Trayvon Martin, thought he looked “suspicious,” called 9-1-1, was told not to chase Trayvon Martin, did so anyway, confronted him, fought with him, and then shot and killed him.  I feel like Kevin Bacon in “A Few Good Men” describing the Code Red to the Jury during opening arguments. Let’s be clear about the fact that the entire interaction was precipitated by a guy who decided, against the advice of law enforcement, to chase down a person who wasn’t doing anything wrong.  If he had just turned up ‘Winger’ on the 80s station, we’d never have heard of either Trayvon or Zimmerman.  This pretty much makes him a shitty human being.  In the aftermath of Zimmerman’s acquittal, much of the country was outraged, and a multitude of responses were registered, including lamenting the United States government, political grandstanding, and egotism.  You’re welcome to have an opinion about the outcome, and welcome to react to a heavily publicized case.  Don’t do it like an absolute moron.

Grammar Nerd Wednesday: Impacted: not what you think it means.

This is part of an ongoing series of posts designed to make everyone think I'm a colossal prick because of my grammatical specificity. These posts are either me lecturing the masses about how to properly use grammar/punctuation/the rules of the English language, or me figuring out for myself, textually, the aforementioned.  They will run every Wednesday.  If you run afoul of these rules, rest assured, even though I judge you for your poor grammar, I'm still a lesser being than you.

You’re smart, right?  You’ve got a good head on your shoulders.  When you speak, it doesn’t sound like a mouth-breathing troglodyte happened upon some dictionary featuring solely monosyllabic words and utterances.  In fact, you even try to use words that mean things other words mean, but that people don’t always use, like apoplectic for angry, or elated in place of happy.  Lately, at your job, when you’re sitting in mind-numbing meetings, talking about TPS reports and synergy, you’ve been hearing your coworkers and supervisors talk about the effect certain actions have on others, they’ve been saying “impact.”  Like, when your company wants to build a slurry pond upstream from a community’s reservoir using graham crackers and squeezy cheese as building materials, they need to investigate the impact it has on the environment.

We are all unfamous celebrities.

I simultaneously love and hate going to book signings. I love going to book signings because I like hearing the author speak and answer questions, especially a guy like Chuck Klosterman, whose business card should just read “Professional Conversationalist” and we should all just agree that he doesn’t have to pay for things anymore. He’s a national treasure.

The wrong way to be right: Tim Wise is the worst kind of correct

A few years ago, I was in graduate school in Columbus, Ohio, working at a small, private, liberal arts institution that had decided to go sick with its staff development budget and hired Tim Wise to speak to all the student staff members.  He spoke for about an hour, and discussed race in the United States, and the necessity for affirmative action, race conscious laws, and ways to even the playing field in a system that is inherently biased in favor of the dominant class, A.K.A. white people.  I was completely engrossed.  I must say, I had been considering, for a time, the notion that maybe we needed to take our foot off the pedal when it came to affirmative action, and that plenty of laws and practices were so slanted in favor of minorities that they actually became something like “reverse racism.”  As it turns out, and through a couple of decent stories and turns of phrase, Mr. Wise was able to convince me of the contrary.  I walked out of the speech and hopped on Amazon, wanting to purchase his book “White Like Me” to further engage myself in his discussions about race in the United States.  As the years passed, and I hopped on to the twit-o-sphere, I saw that Mr. Wise had a twitter account.  He was such an engaging speaker, and his books were so encouraging for young white people who wanted to make a change in the United States that I figured the account would be full of commentary about the world at large, and nuggets of wisdom about the institutional racism inherent in our society.  I don’t remember first following him, but as I peruse his twitter feed, I realize, he is a colossal asshole.  He’s not wrong about much of what he is speaking about, but he chooses the most tone-deaf, holier-than-thou way to convey his message, and it’s completely off-putting.  Judging by his interactions with some solidly leftist twitter followers, I’m not the only one who believes this to be true.

Grammar Nerd Wednesdays: For the love of God, apostrophe rules are not that hard!

This is the first in an ongoing series of posts designed to make everyone think I'm a colossal prick because of my grammatical specificity. These posts are either me lecturing the masses about how to properly use grammar/punctuation/the rules of the English language, or me figuring out for myself, textually, the aforementioned.  They will run every Wednesday.  If you run afoul of these rules, rest assured, even though I judge you for your poor grammar, I'm still a lesser being than you.

I received a blast email from a party promoter who owns a few high-end bars in the West Village and Kips Bay areas of Manhattan promoting a Fourth of July weekend party at a club in the über-chic Hamptons, which, for those who don’t know, is the tip of Long Island, and usually connotes the South Fork of the two pronged end to New York State’s easternmost point.  The heading on the email is:

“4TH OF JULY WEEKEND IN THE HAMPTON’S”

While there are thirteen (THIRTEEN!) rules for apostrophes, just focus on the ones that you will probably run across (and afoul of!) in your day-to-day keyboard mashing, like this successful entrepreneur, party planner, and all-around bro-sef extraordinaire who somehow gathered my email and lumped it in to his party promotion list.

Apostrophes denote possession of an object by a proper noun or name.  A really easy way to remember to use this is, if the object being possessed is mentioned, you should probably use it. Example: That is Bill’s stack of fetish porn magazines.

-As a caveat, apostrophes are not to be used with possessive pronouns.  They already connote possession.  That is why they are called possessive, dipshit.  Example: You know Bill? That is his stack of fetish porn magazines. (His being the possessive pronoun)

-For plural possession, make a noun plural first, and then make it possessive.  If all the states have deficits instead of just one, State becomes States, and then you toss an apostrophe on to the end.  “The states’ budget deficits are a problem for the nation.”  Plural possessive is never “States’s.”

Apostrophes denote contractions.  Contractions take out a word and make you sound like a local yokel.  It’s good for fitting in if you’re new in town and trying to make friends or assimilate for the purposes of gaining the trust of the townspeople and then it’s BAM – the ol’ fork-in-the-eye. Example: “Don’t say that’s something I can’t do.”  It’s the same as “Do not say that is something I cannot do.”  But if you say the second sentence, everyone will think you’re Captain Jean-Luc Picard, and burn you as a heretic, because this town likes Deep Space Nine, and you MUST be a terrorist.

-As another caveat, sometimes words end with the letters “n-t” and don’t have an apostrophe.  “Want” is one of those words.  So is “wont.”  If you see “wont” and it doesn’t look like it should mean “will not,” it probably means “apt” or “likely.” It’s not wrong.  Don’t flame the author on the message boards.

Apostrophes never, ever, EVER denote plurals.  Ever.  And I mean fucking ever.  Just add an “s” to the end of it. Or an –es, like boxes and foxes.  Obviously, there are some crazy ones out there.  Mouse becomes mice. Buffalo stays buffalo.  There’s even this weird sentence that is grammatically correct: “Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo.” Then there’s the plural for ox: oxen.  You’ll never need to toss an apostrophe in when all you want to say is “there are more of them than just one.  If you have seven cats, you say “I have seven cats.”  Not “I have seven cat’s.”

Side Note – This includes acronyms! CEO, short for Chief Executive Officer.  If you want to talk about a meeting of multiple chief executive officers, you say CEOs.  If you want to connote possession for ONE CEO, it’s the CEO’s disdain for the working poor.  If it’s possession for multiple CEOs, then it’s the CEOs’ general distaste for speaking with hourly employees.

It.  It screws everything up.  It has rules all its own. For starters, when using a pronoun like “it,” there is no gender, and there is no plural.  “It” is singular.  Always. 

-To show possession with “it,” you do NOT use an apostrophe.  “I just took my P.T. Cruiser in for its 5,000 mile oil change.”  But, why wouldn’t the apostrophe-possession rules carry over?  Here’s why…

-To show a contraction with “it,” you MUST use an apostrophe. “And I think it’s going to be a long, long time ‘til touchdown brings me ‘round again to find I’m not the man they think I am at all.  Oh, no.”  This is why Its means possessive It – it can’t be the same as It’s, which means It is.

-Its’ is not a word.  Not at all.  The Apostrophe following an ‘s’ means the subject is plural, like “Those magazines’ covers are all sticky.”  Multiple magazines, all possessing covers.  It is always singular, so “Its’” would mean It is plural, which it is not.

There are plenty of other rules – just look over that link at the beginning, but in general, you can avoid 97% of your apostrophe mistakes by asking yourself these few questions:

Am I trying to say this noun (person/place/thing/idea) possesses some quality or object?  If so, I should use an apostrophe and an ‘s!’

-Is this noun plural?  Make it plural, then add an apostrophe! (“The foxes’ tails are long.”)

-Is this word I’m using actually two words in one (and missing a few letters,) like how an El Camino is a car and a truck (and missing common sense?) I should use an apostrophe.

-Am I trying to say that this noun is plural? Then I should absolutely not use an apostrophe.  Ever.  Especially in an email promoting a party in the Hamptons, which is plural, because there is a Southampton, a Westhampton, a Bridgehampton and an East Hampton.  That’s four Hamptons!  Plural.  The Hamptons.

-Am I using the word “It” and I need to either make it possessive or plural?  Because if that’s the case, I should just get drunk.

Scheduled Posts

As part of an effort to get me to actually post more on this blog, since at least 1100 times, people have been intrigued enough to click over to it, I'm going to start doing regular posts, and trying my best to create some type of schedule, which could change or be scrapped in an instant if I find that others really don't like it.

Mondays: Entertainment/Sports/TV/Movies or something
Wednesdays: Dorky rants about the English Language
Thursdays: Politics/News/World Events

As always, please post in the comments section.  Call me a dickhead, tell me I'm as ugly as my opinions, anything.  Hurl your empty liquor bottles at me as a way to exorcise your personal demons, electronic-style.

Born in the U.S.A. is Patriotic, but not the way Slacker thinks.

I received a Slacker Radio email today, July 3^rd, promoting the 33 Greatest All-American Divas, Classic Springsteen, and 4^th of July radio stations.  I almost always just delete emails from Pandora, Slacker, Spotify, and the like, but anything that references my buddy Bruce, I’ve gotta read.

Because No One Asked: A 9-on-9 Marvel vs. DC baseball game lineup

Credit where it's due: This is what sparked this idea.

On to the ground rules that I made up:
1) Only Superheroes.  No supervillains.
2) All superheroes have access to their regular super powers or super suits, but NOT to any super weapons.  Thus, Iron Man can use his suit for flight and speed, but not missiles or guns. Thor would not be allowed to use his hammer, which means he couldn't fly.
3) At least one girl per team.
4) The game is played on a fenceless field with a standard dimension infield.
5) Players are not permitted to attack one another, or use their super powers on each other in any way.  There'll be no A-Rod shenanigans.
6) Bats and balls have been upgraded to withstand the superior force of superhero use.  Otherwise, Superman would just vaporize the ball with his louisville slugger that exploded into a million splinters on contact.  Gloves are reinforced to withstand the speed of the ball.
7) At least one non-super suited, non-super strength human per team. A Super-vigilante, if you will.

The breakdown
C: A brute who won't be knocked over at some wildman charging the plate.
DC - Captain Marvel. (I know.  Captain Marvel is a DC character.  That's like Chevy having a car called the "Ford.")  I don't know of any DC Equivalent to Hulk/Thing/Colossus.
Marvel - Colossus. The one downside, he'd be worried about hurting someone bearing down on him like they are Pete Rose and he's Ray Fosse.

1B: You need someone who can stretch at first for those errant throws.  Someone Knoblauch couldn't even get it past.
DC - Plastic Man
Marvel - Mr. Fantastic

2B: Good spot for an athletic non suited human.  Doesn't require the arm strength that third would require, but still needs athleticism.
DC - Batman
Marvel - Daredevil

3B: Gotta have super reflexes and strength at the Hot Corner.
DC - Wonder Woman
Marvel - Quicksilver

SS: Speed, reflexes, and acrobatics are necessary here.  Gotta turn two up the middle.
DC - The Flash
Marvel - Spider Man

LF: This is where you stick your player with the least amount of natural skill.  It's like Manny Ramirez - he was a left fielder.  So was Chad Curtis.
DC - Booster Gold
Marvel - Iron Man

CF: Here's your fastest player, and hopefully someone who can fly, as well.  Also, needs super strength for those long fly balls that travel across multiple state lines.
DC - Superman
Marvel - Rogue

RF: Strong arm, speed, accuracy, and athleticism are paramount to the right fielder.
DC - Green Lantern. (His ring is like Iron Man's Suit - he can use it to obtain his enhanced abilities, but not to launch projectiles or change the state of matter, like the opponent's bat.)
Marvel - Captain America

P: Accuracy is the most important here.  You'd think speed would be important, but with most superheroes having super reflexes anyway, it doesn't actually matter as much.  Plus, the faster it comes in, the further it would go out.  You gotta give them the superhero equivalent of Henry Rowangartner's Blooper.  Plus, the non-super schlubs like Batman and Daredevil wouldn't be able to even see the pitch and would probably wet themselves at the sound of the sonic boom as it zipped past them.  Gotta let them at least TRY.
DC - Green Arrow
Marvel - Hawkeye

Lineup:
DC:
1) Flash
2) Green Lantern
3) Superman
4) Wonder Woman
5) Captain Marvel
6) Booster Gold
7) Plastic Man
8) Batman
9) Green Arrow

Marvel:
1) Quicksilver
2) Spider Man
3) Captain America
4) Rogue
5) Colossus
6) Iron Man
7) Mr. Fantastic
8) Hawkeye
9) Daredevil

Of course, the game would be a farce.  Instead of swinging for the fences, anyone with super-speed would lay down bunts and then just zip around the bases as fast as possible.  Still, Marvel's lineup is vastly superior to DC's in my opinion.

Overworked, Under-appreciated, and Unemployed in America - The Argument for Inefficiency

In the United States, we don’t have an unemployment problem. We have an underemployment problem and an overworking problem. The problem with our economy is it is built to run cleanly, solidly, and with as little overhead as possible.  We have an efficient capitalist society (don’t worry, this won’t be a full on socialist rant) that trims off the excess, and pulls us down to the lowest common denominator.  This is seen as a good thing.  It keeps businesses offering goods and services for the lowest prices around – they make money, we save money.  In theory, it works to perfection.  In actuality, when we talk about trimming off the excess, we aren’t talking about buying too many parts to make our widgets.  What we are talking about is trimming off the excess jobs.  What we are talking about is trimming off excess workers.  We are talking about trimming excess people.  This is what efficiency does to our society, and this lack of specificity sterilizes our society from what is happening to the “last in/first out” of us.  We need less efficiency, because it benefits all of us – the workers, corporations, and government included.

Because No One Asked, The Star Trek Movies: Ranked, Grouped, Unexplained. UPDATE: Now with 7.4% more rankings!

This list, with grouping descriptions, includes films from the Original Series cast, the Next Generation cast, and the JJ Abrams Star Trek* movies.

The Americans review: "The Colonel"

In these games without borders, knowledge is the most dangerous weapon. The Season 1 Finale of FX’s The Americans saw the KGB and the Jennings bring the gun to the proverbial knife fight. My review to follow, but first, I need to catch my breath and think of an episode specific reference.

NBC's Hannibal strikes a comfortable tone. (With a warning to NBC on how NOT to screw it up.)

Serial Killers are en vogue right now, at least on TV.  A&E has “Bates Motel” which, if I were in charge of branding for A&E, I would’ve never let that get through.  It makes it seem as though the show is about the day-to-day operations of running a small, roadside motor hotel, in between the brutal murders of an embezzler, a police detective, and a third attempted murder.  Fox has “The Following,” with Kevin Bacon, which has ridden out many of the early hiccups and last-minute character alterations (I guess he’s… not an alcoholic anymore?) to have a fun, coherent, ever-changing show about a serial killer cult.  Showtime’s Dexter is wrapping up after this upcoming eighth and final season.  There are, of course, behavior science shows like SVU and Criminal Minds, but the other, more heralded and critically acclaimed hit is NBC’s Hannibal, a revival of Thomas Harris’s Hannibal Lecter character, including Jack Crawford as the director of the Behavioral Sciences unit at the FBI. There is a reason for why Hannibal has received its much deserved praise. The acting and plots have been fantastic, and the theme for the show, with a potentially insane criminal behavior forensic psychologist assisting the FBI, all add to the appeal. But, it is the tone in which the show is portrayed that truly sets it apart from the rest of the gory pack.

The Americans: "The Oath" Review

The penultimate episode of The Americans, “The Oath,” is jam-packed with plot developments.  I review it, but only after I’ve caught at least five grapes in a row, thrown from across the room by my daughter¹.

A Modest Proposal: We Need To More Quickly Jump To Prejudicial Conclusions

**Before you read, if you think what follows is to be taken at face value, then you, faceless internet reader, do not know me, a faceless internet poster. If you weren't aware, "A Modest Proposal" is a reference to Jonathan Swift, satirist. Carry on.**

I think it’s time we take a look in the mirror, America.  Let’s look at our big, beautiful, pudgy faces, probably smeared with a combination of chocolate and bacon grease, our hair a little askew, some type of bad mustache with a few stray hairs, and ask ourselves, when did we change?  When did we become something different than who we used to be? We never used to accept news coverage that was this shoddy, this rote, and this lacking in information.  As a country, we used to demand MORE.

As a country, do we really want to become the type of people who are afraid – and that’s what it is: FEAR – to jump to conclusions, and make wildly speculative, semi-to-fully racist accusations based on nothing other than our own internal prejudices and fears?

The Americans Review: "Covert War"

The Americans goes against orders (or does it?)  I review this week’s episode, just as soon as I understand that, in a covert war, there are rules.

The Americans: "Only You" review

Americanism and the Civil Rights Movement in The Americans’ “Only You.” It's time for another review of FX's Soviet-era Spy show, but first, I need to plant evidence in your apartment.

Modern Family Characters, Ranked.

This is a completely biased, personal ranking of Modern Family characters from least favorite to most favorite.  Your corrections, in the form of comments, are welcome.

A quick post about commenting

Please.  Engage me.  Reviews and opinions suck if they are a one-way street.  I'm not some 24 hour news network person.  I'm seeing around 20 people, on average, reading my piddling reviews of The Americans (more shows to be added!)  There isn't any comment approval, so unless you're trying to sell me viagra or a way to make money from home for just hours a week, I welcome the flaming/trollery discourse.

The Americans: "Safe House" review UPDATED!

Phil the Sick Day parent, John Denver, and the Potato that saved the Western Hemisphere. It’s time for my review of this week’s episode of The Americans, “Safe House.” But, first, I need to return some salacious answering machine messages…

The argument against Gay Marriage, and for GLBT equality under the law (really!)

A few months back, I wrote a piece about how to reduce abortions, including strengthening adoption funding and birth control in the US.  Basically, what I said was that no one really likes abortions, no one celebrates them, and no one wants them to happen in record numbers.  Making them illegal won’t work, and but making them safe, legal, and cheap isn’t a great option at preventing them, either.  I wasn’t really looking at abortion from the moral perspective, just as an issue that we’d all like to reduce the instances in which it occurs.  Well, now it’s time for round two, only this time, with Gay Marriage.

I’m about to make two seemingly contradictory statements, and then I’m going to show how they don’t have to be contradictory.  One is, on its face, wildly socially conservative, and one is wildly socially liberal, and I believe them both:

1. I believe that gay and lesbian people should have the exact same rights as heterosexual people, including with regard to benefits for uniting in love in the eyes of the Government.
2. I don’t think that the government should recognize Gay Marriage.

 Everyone ready? You may now begin to freak out.

The Americans Review: "Mutually Assured Destruction"

Mutually Assured Distruction is both M.A.D. and a sleek reference to the Jennings’ marriage, and the philosophical underpinnings of the Cold War policy of pointing weapons of global annihilation at each other.  Fun for the whole family!  I review this most recent episode as soon as I figure out how kinky a KGB Assassin can be…

The Americans: "Duty and Honor" review

This week’s episode of The Americans puts at the forefront the perspective of th show, and the lack of knowledge we, as the audience, have over the character’s actions.  My review is after the jump, as soon as I finish this glass of Latour.

The Americans - "Trust Me" review

The Americans goes “Trilogy of Terror” in this week’s episode, “Trust Me,” which I review after the jump, just as soon as I brew my cup of tea infused with rectally smuggled African blood diamonds…

The Americans - "COMINT" review

It’s time to review this week’s episode of The Americans, a treatise on patience (Axl Rose did it first, and with a seemingly unending whistle solo.) Before I do that, I should probably attend a sexual harassment seminar.

The Americans - "In Control" Review

“The Americans” goes in to hyperdrive as Reagan forgets to duck, and we learn just how much of a foil Phil and Stan are for one another.  It’s time to recap the most recent episode of everyone’s favorite 1980s Soviet-based spy drama. But first I need to consult my Constitution regarding the presidential line of succession.

A modest proposal for a better network TV programming setup that is totally implausible because Network TV is a stupid, antiquated medium that will die a slow and painful death.

Jack Shepherd’s Tattoos.

Landry and Tyra kill a drifter just to get an erection (or something.)

Kim Bauer and the mountain lion.

The Puerto Rican Day Parade.

Great TV shows have awful episodes.  Why?  Because, Great TV shows, if they hang around long enough, run out of ideas.  How many times can terrorists kidnap Kim Bauer?  How many people from the tail section can crop up in LOST with an interesting backstory that – surprise! – isn’t congruent with their persona on the forbidden island of mystery and electromagnetism?

The Americans - "Gregory" review

Phil and Liz face ghosts from the pilot, a challenge to their attempts to make a real family out of their cover assignments, and Stan needs to start buying lottery tickets, because he’s right about EVERYthing in “Gregory” – episode three of the 1^st season of The Americans.  There was so much plot in this Thomas Schlamme-directed episode, they barely had time for the 80s breadcrumbs.  I’ll get to my review right after I change out of my racquetball shoes.

The Americans: "The Clock" Review

The mission-driven spy drama is on full display in the second episode of The Americans.  For those who wanted cloaks, daggers, and dead drops, “The Clock” doesn’t disappoint.  All that was missing was a self-destructing message.  I’ll be better able to speak about that as soon as I pull this speaker foam out of my esophagus.

House of Cards Reviews

I'm going to start reviewing the all-new Netflix-only series House of Cards¹ soon. Though this isn't Netflix's first foray into original programming (Bruce Springsteen's² guitarist and E Street Band Member Steven Van Zandt's Lilyhammer is going in to its second season - Little Steven will be away from the E Street Band while they are in Australia in order to be able to film this second season) though I have yet to watch it.

The Americans: Pilot

I finally sat down to watch The Americans last night, a show that has gotten some rave reviews from all circles after the airing of the pilot this past Wednesday.  Unfortunately for me, I’ll rarely have a review of it posted in the few hours after it airs – I go to bed far too early to watch it live, or even do the TiVo catch up.  But, having finally found an hour or two to sit down and power through the oddly timed 69 minute pilot episode (spread out over an hour and thirty seven minutes of broadcast space), I am hooked.  As I referenced, I was hoping for weird familial relations, lots of 1980s references, and geopolitical breadcrumbs, and the pilot delivered.  There’s so much 80s and Americana intricately weaved in to a show about family and paranoia, but it never felt like I was being clubbed over the head with the setting or mood.  There’s certainly plenty to talk about, but first, I need to go investigate my gardener for being a Sandinista, because I have a funny feeling.

The Return of the Champ

It may be temporary, but Bill Simmons reached back and delivered a fastball from his early 2000s days with his column today about PEDs in football.  I’m heartened to believe that he is back with a vengeance.  He actually seems disappointed in himself, which is important, because I think his fans seem disappointed in himself as well.  I have a long history with Bill Simmons’ work, and haven’t sat down to read a column of his in some time.  Today, when I saw that he’d written The PED Question with a provocative picture of stabber/linebacker for the Baltimore Ravens, I knew I had to read it.  I tore through it like a horse too long in the desert without an oasis.

The Americans reviews

I’m going to try and write a response to each episode of FX’s upcoming show “The Americans” starring Keri Russell.  I want to challenge myself to put my dime-store analysis of the episodes to work.  I have begun to really enjoy quite a bit of what FX puts on, including “It’s Always Sunny,” “Archer,” “Sons of Anarchy,” and “Justified.” The former two are the comedies, but Sons of Anarchy and Justified are the two that are Tuesday Night dramatic showcases.  They are nuanced, layered, and long-form in their storytelling.  I am hoping that “The Americans” is similar to that.

Our Abortion Debate - Nothing to Hang Your Hat On. Or coat.

This past Tuesday was the 40^th anniversary of the Supreme Court decision on the case of Roe vs. Wade, legalizing abortion in the United States.  We’ve spent countless hours since then ripping ourselves apart at the straw man argument of all or none: should there be free, legal, and available abortions at all times, or should we outlaw them in the name of the sanctity of life?  These two distinctly opposite arguments have produced countless spider-webbing discussions that have produced their own discussions as well: When does life begin? Does an embryo, and the stem cells contained therein count as a person? Do all babies, in fact, wanna get borned? Here’s what we aren’t doing: working to eliminate the need for abortions.

Off-Target Gun Debate

We’re having the wrong debate about guns right now.  Despite pleas from both sides to avoid politicization of the horrible events in Sandy Hook, Connecticut, and then accusations lobbed at one another about the other side’s politicization of the event, we are having the wrong debate.  Schools are not the real world and either stance, more gun control or less gun control in society, isn’t applicable to the circumstances of this incident.